We all know there is nothing to be happy about when faced with cancer. Each and every one of us have our own experience and each and every one of us have different peaks and valleys that we go through.
My journey is my own. I share it because it's what got me to where I am today and has made me sad and hopeless at times, but has also transformed my perspective to always have gratitude for the miracles and magic that surrounds us. Sometimes when we are in a deep valley, it's hard to find the sunlight.
My parents divorced when I was 9 (well, separated and then officially divorced years later after lots of drama and fighting), I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer at 26, got married to the man I thought was my forever (because he helped me through cancer and was amazing at that time), got divorced to said man, went through online dating after a double mastectomy in my 30's, finally met the love of my life, and now have been "Fighting Pretty" through step-momming, living across the country from my family, ovarian cancer scare and many years of infertility.
I could write a whole blog post about the paragraph above, but I'm here to share tips and tricks on finding joy in your every day life when there is so much to be mad about.
Even as the founder of Fighting Pretty, a non-profit that encourages each one of us to find our strength and beauty every day, I have my moments when I need to dig deep to find joy. These are ways I have been Fighting Pretty through life.
Make a list. Since I was a little girl, I always kept a journal. In fact, when my mom sold my childhood home only about a year ago, I found several journals that were quite deep, I must say. Even in sixth grade I had big feelings about my dad and how much he hurt us. Back then, I didn't know much about gratitude except that my mom was always rock solid. Now, I can reflect on all of the challenges that have occured in my life and know they all did happen for a reason. As a stepmom, I look back on my experience with my dad and his wife, and though I'm not happy I went through any of that, I know how my girl Aubrey feels being ping-ponged from her mom's to our house. I really do try and connect with her on a different level. Now, I am so grateful for so much. And I write that sh*t down so I can read it, cry it out and then look back and see how good life actually is, even in the middle of the ups and downs. But overall, make a list. A list of the stuff you're upset about. Or a list of things you are grateful for. Once you get it down on paper, it's out of your mind and you can process.
Connect with someone new. When you are out running errands or even sitting in the waiting room, talk to someone. Compliment them on their shoes or something you find that is interesting about them. By connecting with someone new and helping to make them smile, you will inevitably feel better. If you aren't able to leave home, head over to the Fighting Pretty through Cancer Facebook page and connect with someone there. Just explore new people and new conversations and keep growing!
Wear something bright. This will help. I'm telling you. You don't have to wear an entire neon outfit, but put on some pink lipstick, or the Fighting Pretty beanie and I promise someone will compliment you. When you wear something bright, you bright cheeriness wherever you are, which will inevitably lift your mood.
Take control of what you can. Honey, I hate saying this, but we cannot control our cancer. We cannot control the hard things we face. But we can control how we react to them. We can control what we say and how we act. We can control how we talk to ourselves. Certainly, there are times where our emotions are out of control. When this happens, lie down, take a nap and do what you can to calm down. Therapy is always a great option. But in order to find joy, you must not use your energy on focusing on the horrors of our every day fight with cancer, but on the amazing beauty surrounding us and the experiences we can create with our friends and loved ones.
Move your body. And make out if you can! Why does it feel so good to dance? Studies show the way we move our bodies is deeply connected to our emotions and feelings. When we are happy, we might jump around or wave our arms in the air. When we are sad, we might hunch over or fold our arms around our bodies. But the opposite is also true. Hunching over and wrapping our arms around our bodies can make us feel sad. Jumping around and waving our arms can make us feel happy! Making out is the same way. Kissing actually boosts "happy hormones" and triggers your brain to release a cocktail of chemicals that leave you feeling oh so good by igniting the pleasure centers of the brain. These chemicals include oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, which can make you feel euphoric and encourage feelings of affection and bonding. It also lowers your cortisol (stress hormone) levels. So get kissin' lady!
Put on some lipstick or jewelry. Who doesn't love a little sparkle? If you are Fighting Pretty, you definitely do! Adding some lipstick, gloss or a necklace or earrings just adds a little pizzazz to whatever you are wearing. Coco Chanel once said, "If you're sad, add lipstick and attack!" We couldn't agree more!
Smile. Did you know that smiling can trick your brain into being happy? Even forcing a fake smile can legitimately reduce stress and lower your heart rate. Have you ever asked an angry kiddo to smile and they make a forced and funny-looking smile? Don't they laugh after almost every time? Same goes for you. Smile at a strange. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Smile at your neighbor. If they don't smile back, that's on them, but you will inevitably feel better and more beautiful too! When you feel like you just can't smile. Listen to Nat King Cole's rendition of "Smile."
Remind yourself. When finding joy just seems too hard, remind yourself. Whether you go back and read your lists or journal, look at your mini Fighting Pretty Gloves of Strength to give you motivation or look at a hanging sign on your wall, find something to remind you of how amazing you are. You can create joy whereever you are, and it's always right beside you. You just need to look for it and you will find it.
F*ckin' Fuhgeddaboudit. Welp. When nothing else works and you're still in a slump. You've written down lists, you've put on lipstick and earrings, you've made a beautiful dinner and even chatted with your therapist and still feeling sad? Just F*ckin Fuhgeddaboudit! Sometimes you've tried all of your tools and you still feel crappy. That means it's time to take a rest, put on a movie, call it a day and try again tomorrow!
Kara Frazier is the founder of Fighting Pretty and a 15-year breast cancer survivor. Follow Kara on instagram at @mrskarafrazier.
If you have questions about Fighting Pretty or have any additional recommendations on "Finding Joy" please comment below.