A Decade
Ten whole years. They flashed by in a second, but time also stood still. So many times I felt stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, not knowing what feelings were normal. I often felt like I was dwelling, but I also knew I needed time to process it all.
Rewind 10 years. It was 2015 and I had just had my first baby. This was supposed to be my highest point, but instead I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into sickness and pain. Why wasn’t I recovering fast enough? Is this what pregnancy and a C-section are supposed to feel like? I needed to be perceived as strong. I was the new mom, the protector, the hero of this story.
But then time stopped. Though several doctors had reassured me I was fine, I was in fact deathly ill . . . with cancer.
5 Months
From January to May, I endured painful procedures and side effects. My hair fell out into the palms of my hands, I was in and out of scanning machines, being given intense chemo drugs, and all while my daughter was going through so many “firsts” that I was missing. Our story had drastically changed.
10 Minutes
600 seconds waiting for my oncologist to reveal if it all worked. Those minutes felt longer than those 5 months of treatment. And then she said it–”You’re in remission.”
I found myself celebrating every milestone I could. 6 months cancer free. 1 year, 2, 3, and so on . . . Through all the celebrating, I faced more challenges. I didn’t look or feel like myself anymore. I felt like I was constantly trying to go back and reset my life. I wanted to get back to normal, but how can you get back to a place that no longer exists?
Take the Time to Feel Pretty
Cancer changes you physically. For me it was hair loss, but no one told me how I would lose the hair all over my body. I also expected to end up extremely thin, but the opposite happened. The steroids caused me to gain weight and have a puffy face. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize myself. It was a constant reminder of the whole ordeal.
I thought of creative ways to make myself feel pretty again. Throughout treatment, this meant pretty hats, pretty jewelry, and pretty makeup. I hated how my bald head looked, and my wig wasn’t comfortable, so I chose to wear beautiful hats. Whenever I’d go to the cancer center for checkups, I’d wear inspirational bracelets and fun earrings. It boosted my self esteem.
Take the Time to Feel Good
It took me a year to feel well enough to resume normal activities, and even longer to fully fight the fatigue. I made the mistake of taking other people’s judgment to heart. I urge others to take as long as you need to feel well again. Try to get yourself moving, because even though it’s hard at first, it will pay off in the long run. Take care of yourself mentally, too. Join an online cancer community, or talk to a mental health professional if necessary. Any support you can find that makes you feel better and more comfortable is worth it.
Take the Time to Process What Happened
Think about it, talk about it, and process it all. Get angry, cry, and don’t lie to yourself about how bad it was. You are strong but it’s ok to feel weak sometimes. I think I avoided some of the negative feelings for too long, and they came back to haunt me later.
I started to talk to other survivors. I made a Cancer Advocacy page on social media. Helping others is not only rewarding, but it forces me to relive some of the hard times and to fully process them.
Take the Time to Heal
Healing from cancer is unlike any other illness. It is a long process and there are no shortcuts. Remember this and give yourself grace. There is no set time where you will be “better.”
Once your energy returns, start doing your favorite hobby again, or pick up a new one! I love to sing so one of the first times I went out in public with a lot of people was to a fundraiser show I planned. I sang for my friends and family while raising money for lymphoma research. It made me feel invigorated!
Time is funny. We can lose track of it sometimes, and other times feel completely controlled by it. All we can really do is live in the present moment. We should remind ourselves to stop looking back, because we can’t change anything. Stop worrying so much about what could happen, because our plans can be derailed in an instant.
It’s here in the present where we can become our best selves. This time right now is what exists. Whether you’re just being diagnosed or 10 years in remission like me, take your time. You’ll get there.
Carolyn Vento is a Stage 4 Cancer Survivor and Advocate, Author of Change of Plans, and Co-host of the Cancer Podcast. Check her out on instagram at @carolynvento.